Many of my days are spent dwelling on the paradoxical perspective of not wanting life to change, yet wondering if I can bear the chaos any longer. I've wondered how I can make it through the next few hours before his next nap, while worrying that those hours will never be enough to savor all of the possible joy. How can I want to fast-forward, pause, rewind all in the same breath?
A friend of mine stopped by this week right after I had had a really terrible morning. Esley and I had gone to storytime at the library, like we usually do, only to leave within the first 10 minutes because Esley was screaming. Never wanting to sit still, I feel like he is always on the move... which means I am always running after him. Looking back on the situation and the feelings of inadequacy that I felt (from the stares of the other mothers, to the restraints that I put on myself), I was actually able to spend time with Esley in a more constructive manner rather than an organized one. I have to remember that it isn't about what I am missing because my child is stubborn, but what I am gaining from the time we are able to spend together. For me, the secret of enjoying motherhood is in these moments. I'm trying so hard right now to take time and be present in the moment. This is my greatest desire and my greatest anxiety-that it's going by too quickly to be able to squeeze all of the life and love out of it that I can. I feel like I'm up against a race against time. He is such a joy to me. I can only hope I can be the same for him.