Saturday, January 22, 2011

Quiet gifts

Have you ever sat down to eat something yummy, only to be distracted by a phone call as you take your first bite? The next thing you know, the phone call is over, and your food has disappeared. But you don't recall tasting a bite? I've often had this same feeling with Esley as he's gotten older and grown out of different stages. I often feel like something special is coming to an end.

Many of my days are spent dwelling on the paradoxical perspective of not wanting life to change, yet wondering if I can bear the chaos any longer. I've wondered how I can make it through the next few hours before his next nap, while worrying that those hours will never be enough to savor all of the possible joy. How can I want to fast-forward, pause, rewind all in the same breath?

A friend of mine stopped by this week right after I had had a really terrible morning. Esley and I had gone to storytime at the library, like we usually do, only to leave within the first 10 minutes because Esley was screaming. Never wanting to sit still, I feel like he is always on the move... which means I am always running after him. Looking back on the situation and the feelings of inadequacy that I felt (from the stares of the other mothers, to the restraints that I put on myself), I was actually able to spend time with Esley in a more constructive manner rather than an organized one. I have to remember that it isn't about what I am missing because my child is stubborn, but what I am gaining from the time we are able to spend together. For me, the secret of enjoying motherhood is in these moments. I'm trying so hard right now to take time and be present in the moment. This is my greatest desire and my greatest anxiety-that it's going by too quickly to be able to squeeze all of the life and love out of it that I can. I feel like I'm up against a race against time. He is such a joy to me. I can only hope I can be the same for him.


Aubrey said...

Nice post, I feel the same way a lot, and it's nice to know I'm not the only one. Except, being pregnant I am so moody lately I feel like I don't enjoy Addie as much as I used to :( Good thing I'll (hopefully) be back to normal in 5 months. Oh, and we don't even bother with story half the time- neither of us particularly enjoy it haha. We left shortly after you did that time we came and sat next to you. It was fun seeing you on the hike today! :)

blueeyedfreckle said...

I agree 100% and often find myself going, "wait. I need to realize nothing else is as important as hangint out with olivia right now." I am always thinking about everything I need to do, or I want to do, and then I've barely spent any time playing with olivia!

Marie said...

Don't worry about those other mothers - they were probably watching and remembering when they were in your exact same position! Nice post, I enjoyed reading it.

Laura said...

You're a great writer, Brooke. I think MOST parents feel this way much of the time. I think the key is, like you said, living in the moment, taking it a day at a time, and not being so hard on ourselves or compare ourselves to other mom's (this is the hardest one for me). After having Jack I found myself just being in awe of the fact that my mom was able to keep us ALIVE, much less happy, lol. It's the hardest job in the world, but also the best. I take a lot of deep breaths in the day... it helps :)